Peace in Asking

Yesterday I had a weird day. My thought patterns fell onto some ideas I need to work through and I was not happy about it.

Mental work.

Mental cartwheels.

Internal finagling.

I can usually tell that I have some demons to work through because my mood shifts hard and fast. My patience wanes and everything is stupid and annoying. My body tells me “Go rest. Lay on your back for 10 minutes, meditate, and breathe slowly.”

But yesterday had a million chores and I ignored my head and heart. The times when I most need to listen are often the times I close my ears.

My impatience grew.

But I did something new I’ve never done before.

I called Hubs (nothing original there). Instead of making small talk or asking simple questions about dinner preferences, I used grownup words: clear, direct, honest words, and declared a need.

“I need to talk tonight,” I said. “I have things on my mind and I need support to work them out. I need this to be a priority.”

I don’t remember if I said please. If not, I’d like to think Hubs knows I meant to say please.

I NEVER do this. I never lay it out on the line, in plain English. I usually say something like, “hey, can we catch up later?” Or “hey, can we take a nice walk after dinner?” Neither of which expresses the truth. Neither of which gets at the core of what I want: neither of which admits that I don’t feel right and I need to tap a resource for help.

I wondered why I never do this. I wondered why I’m embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. I’m not confessing that I have a drinking problem, or something totally terrifying— but I feel scared. And I’m embarrassed to be a grown-ass woman who is scared and needs to talk things out. I feel like a child confessing to Mommy that I need a hug and a blanket and can someone light a candle, please?

At the end of the evening, Hubs had a few things to finish up for work. Naturally, I panicked. My head took over and I thought up a million scenarios, all of which involved him finding something better or more interesting to do than talk with me.

But work emails were done by 9pm and Hubs came to find me, ready and willing to be emotionally available.

I think I felt ashamed. Because I don’t always know how to be emotionally available. I get scared to quiet my heart and live in the present moment with another human in need. I can be selfish and I get uncomfortable when I feel the energy in the room shift and I know that someone really NEEDS ME. If I have a hard time being available to others, how can I possibly deserve such an awesome gift for myself?

Ultimately, I felt grateful. I felt better and freer after disclosing and sharing and unloading my weary worries. Hubs said he was happy to listen and we sat together in gratitude and peace. There’s a possibility that I am getting better at this thing called life. There’s a bigger possibility that his strength teaches me to see my own strength. I continue to breathe and feel nothing but peace as a result.

What brought you peace this week? Share the peace.