Peace in Anticipation

/ KimberlyEmilia / Leave a comment
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This week I finally bucked up and hosted a yoga class in the studio. I think I’ve been dreaming of this for somewhere around 8 years, ever since I completed my Yoga Teacher’s Training. I always imagined this space where I would teach, but it never quite came to be.

Until now.

This past year, Hubs and I built it: we created an additional space where we can create, build, meditate, entertain, you name it. It is rich with peace. For years, I’ve sought a meditative space to find quiet solitude and peace. Now that the space exists, guess what I want to do with it?

Share.

All I want to do is share this space and bring others to enjoy what yoga has done for me all these years.

As I prepared to host my first yoga class in the studio, my heart sped up like a wild wind blowing.

I was nervous.

I needed to find peace in my anticipation.

So I told myself a story. I said, “Your very best friends will come. And you will share what you’ve always shared with them: peace.”

I repeated this story to myself over and over again, like a mantra, looping in my mind.

“Don’t worry. Your very best friends will come. And it will feel like any other day when you share your peace.”

And guess what happened?

My thoughts became a beautiful reality.

It was not easy. And I still felt a little queasy in the days leading up to class. But I slept through the night, which was incredible because usually, my building anticipation leads me to lose sleep. I turned on the “repeat” button in my head, making a choice to tell myself positive thoughts instead of listening to the anxiety of the anticipation.

What brought you peace this week? Share the peace!

Peace in Obsessive Thoughts

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This week I started up a conversation with a stranger in the hopes of learning something new. I didn’t want to talk with this person, per se, but money had been paid to learn at this seminar, so I thought to ask a question or two. I still have my father’s “get my money’s worth” mentality every now and again. (Thanks, Dad.)

I asked my questions and in no time, a longer conversation had begun. No surprises there, if you know me and my subconscious desire to keep conversations going, for no apparent reason. Chatty Cathy? Never heard of her.

A few minutes in, this person said something to me that, upon later reflection, I could NOT get out of my head.

Enter: obsessive behavior #413, thinking and rethinking and then thinking some more.

I’ve been dubbed a person who overthinks things before. But I could not, for the life of me, figure out why I kept replaying this particular conversation in my mind.

“Am I meant to learn something here?” I asked myself.

“Is this triggering something I need to pay attention to?”

“Why would I get reactive to this random thought shared by a stranger?”

“Why is this having such an effect on me?”

I played out the answers to these questions, journaling and considering which seemed to fit best. And what I came up with is this:

Obsessive behaviors, no matter what they are, are sometimes simply excuses to distract ourselves.

Most of the time, I distract myself with online shopping or tidying the house. Those things were pretty much taken care of this week, so I gave myself a different distraction.

The answer to all my “whys” becamse this: “It doesn’t matter. It only matters that I stop the actual process of obsessing so I can take care of that other thing I keep procrastinating about.

And what do I keep procrastinating?

This week I had to prepare for a presentation and I DID NOT want to do it. So, I gave myself the excuse to think about this other thing all day, talking with Hubs about it, talking with my mom about it, talking with anyone who would listen, all under the guise that I was under enough emotional duress that I could not POSSIBLY work on my presentation.

Well, when I finally called a bird a bird and recognized this pattern in my thinking, that thing that stranger said to me stopped playing on repeat. I heard the phrase in truth, honored its truth, and let it go.

So, what did the guy say to me?

“Kim, I’m sensing a little analysis paralysis. I’ve suffered from that, too.”

A stranger noticed my obsessive thinking and called it out. And it bothered me because it was true.

As soon as I heard it for exactly what it was, I shut up the voice in my head and moved on. I got to work. I started to have fun again. And fun always brings me peace.

What brought you peace this week? Share the peace!

Peace in NYC

/ KimberlyEmilia / Leave a comment

I made it back to NYC after spending years away.

I feel like a tourist, mostly because I am. I do not feel like a New Yorker, anymore. I notice different things than I did before, and it’s strange to think how much my perspective has changed.

There are weed shops everywhere, which doesn’t bother me so much as it surprises me. There are men and women pandering boxes of weed on every street corner in midtown, selling products for less than the fluorescent-lit shops that line the street behind them.

Everyone seems to be standing, waiting. What are they waiting for? Aren’t they cold? I’m walking, pumping blood through my body, and I’m cold. I have lost my tougher exterior, maybe. Cold wind rushes down the street and shocks me.

The city that buzzes like a hive and once scared me with its hurried energy is now a fascination. In the country, I am still buzzing, but I buzz inside my mind instead of scurrying from street to street, stopping abruptly as I wait for the crosswalk sign to flash me along.

It feels like an alternate universe here. Like someplace that I heard existed but never saw. I am an outsider, living far far away from here.

But I love it, still. It’s like coming home. It’s like turning the knob on a childhood memory, where chicken soup with turnips and carrots is cooking on the other side of the door. My mother is burning a cinnamon candle and the kitchen smells like 409.

Today I’ll get lost in the city and let the day take me where it wants to. I’ll set no intention and see what life has in store. I’ll get swept up in what this place was made for: randomness, a little chaos, and intrigue. Letting go of expectations always brings me peace. I’m so excited.

What brings you peace this week? Share the peace!

Peace in Writing

/ KimberlyEmilia / Leave a comment

Last year I started a new writing process. I decided to create a sort of routine and an atmosphere instead of a certain theme or message within the writing itself. I decided to stop worrying so much about what I write and try to enjoy the process itself.

I decided (somehow, I have no idea how) that being a great writer isn’t as important as feeling good about the writing process.

Now I light a candle. I jack up the heat. I get into my gold slippers. And I write for the sake of writing. It’s my meditation. I don’t expect anything spectacular to come of it. I wanted mind-blowing, insightful phenomenal writing to unravel before me for such a long time that maybe I forced it. Maybe my writing was trying too hard to be something it’s not.

Writing felt good when I was a kid. It felt good when I didn’t have to do it. Now, I’ve eliminated the expectation of a grand result.

And this is the lesson of life, isn’t it? We are supposed to be having fun. We are supposed to just be who we are and take away the expectation of who we are supposed to be.

Now there is peace in writing. Because it just is.

Can this translate to any other areas of your life? Like what? Tell me. I’d love to know. Share the peace.